Day 2. Fail.

Well Day 2 went wrong. I had the day from hell. Child driving me bonkers, being naughty and making me feel like a terrible mother.

I set out to start so well. Had breakfast – Start – with skim milk. It was lovely and I was full. Then I went out for lunch because the boy was driving me so bonkers. Bad move. Ordered Brie and Bacon Pannini and curly fries, plus some chips for the wee one. Diet coke and Fruit Shoot. One hour later it hadn’t arrived and I cancelled the order and got a refund. I was almost relieved. It’s wierd, I was hungry, I was looking forward to it but I was totally relieved when it didn’t arrive.

So off we go to Gym Tots, the boy enjoyed a great run around, and actually behaved really nicely. We were both hungry by the end having not eaten before that we went to McDonalds, this is where I epically fail.

Quarter Pounder with Cheese (minus onion & pickle) = 460 calories
Large Chips = 450 calories

I had a large diet coke but that’s about 3 calories but all the shame and guilt of remarks made in the real world about “isn’t it always fat people eating burgers and drinking diet coke” made me actually sit and nearly cry in McDonalds. Bless my boy, he was so happy with his happy meal of fish fingers and chips and fruit.

Even worse, when I was asked about what I ordered at the Cafe and what I ate at McDonalds by my husband I lied. I don’t know why I did it but the shame was just ringing in my ears. To push the shame down I have eaten about a 1000 quality street.

I am looking in to hypnotherapy at the moment. I need to address my mental issues with food before I am ever going to address my weight.  I am scared of getting the letter to see the consultant. I have been really bad. I haven’t been to any bospa (British Obesity Surgical Patients Association) meetings or part 3 of the course. I am a bad fatty. I am going to ask my husband to read this and hopefully he will forgive me.

I can’t bring myself to weigh myself but last time I weighed it was 269 lbs. Fuck.

Day 2…

I am doing ok so far. Start for brekkie with Skimmed Milk. Am feeling very positive that I can be really good today. Am trying to drink more and eat less!

If I do get peckish I can go for the fruit.

Update Later…

Day 1. A compromise.

I can’t do cold turkey. It’s not possible so it’s  a gradual cutting down I am going for. More realistic I think.

Today I went to work with the intention of having cereal for breakfast and lunch. Got to work and had no spoon! Dammit. So skipped breakfast and then moved on to lunch. Was freezing in work today so ended up getting pasta from the canteen. Could have done worse, the canteen serves pizza etc.

I came home and had grilled chicken, veggies and a jacket with a tiny bit of cheese. It was good stuff. Yum.

I have eaten some chocolates today. We have a box of quality street and I tucked in. I guess my compromise is that I will keep the day time good, no crap, no bad meals and the odd snack here and there will be ok. I can’t do cold turkey, I spent all day craving crap. It was worse than quitting smoking.

On to day 2….

The War Rages…

Well I totally lost this blog a long time ago. Another failed inspiration. I guess a war has never been won in a day and this war that rages inside of me will continue to rage forever. For weeks now I have known my food intake was out of control. I have been eating junk, fast food, chocolate, crisps, chips etc.

I am going to start documenting what I eat in an attempt to have it stare me in the face. It’s to easy to teach my brain to forget it. Forget the Ripple I ate for breakfast or the twix I shoved down my face at lunch or the cookies I grazed through in the afternoon.

I think the key to everything is to plan. Years ago (around 6) I lost a couple of stone and it was down to planning my breakfast, lunch and dinner even snacks. I said I would start tomorrow but I haven’t planned anything at all. Sabotage. Every time.

I am not going to let it kill me, not this time, I will try and make good choices, I will stay away from the obvious dangers. In fact I think I will try and pledge a few things here and now:

• I will try and find time in every evening to blog my day. To reflect on my day, where the triggers are and what my triumphs are.
• I will avoid  the obvious fatty fatty bum bum food. Fast food, snacking, chocolate, etc etc. Even if my son wants a McDonalds I will be fine with a diet coke.
• I will eat more fruit. I will attempt to eat more veg!

Well. I guess that’s all I can say.  Will weigh in tomorrow to give a guide to start with.

 

Not such a good day…

Well I had my appointment at the fat clinic yesterday. I don’t think it went well, it was a mish mash of me crying, still weighing the same as I did a year ago despite losing a stone and a half I am right back where I started. I was so disappointed I burst in to tears which was really humiliating.

I had a big talk with the woman about how low I am feeling and what a failure I am. She was really lovely, she talked through everything, how difficult it is to sort out a deeply mental problem that I am in. She gave me a good pep talk really and it did help, I needed some positivity around me.

I have a month until my appointment with Dr English the consultant who will refer me for Gastric Bypass once my 10% is lost. The trouble is I can’t see me ever loosing the 10% which gets me really down.

Sigh.

I am going to try. From Monday I will start my exercise regime, I will eat well and low cal with little wheat in my diet. I set some targets with the woman at my appointment yesterday.

1. Eat a healthy and good sized breakfast. If this has to be on the ferry or work then it will be.
2. Exercise more
3. Plan my meals and exercise so that I have a goal.

I will be starting Slimming world too with my Aunty from Wednesday hopefully so that should be good too, at least a motivator.

Stick with me guys. I know I have failed again and again but I have to keep the faith that one day I will get my 10% and my op.

Am suffering from a really bad tummy and period pains (I think it may just be tummy pain knock on) so am going to go and lay low.  Tomorrow is another day.

My Dreams

I have dreams. Not as in the sleeping dreams but the miracles-will-happen-if-I-achieve-them type dreams. I don’t really share them because I just can’t cope with the idea that they may be beyond me. However I have been inspired by someone who I consider a friends blog.

She has posted all of her aims and goals in life and it really did make me think. So what if some of my dreams are never likely to happen. Does it matter? How much fun am I going to have finding my way towards them? So I have decided to publically announce them! It’s a big list!

• ™ I would like to ensure my son grows up in a happy home but that he understands that life has challenges and isn’t all smooth sailing. Those challenges make us better in the long road.
• ™ I will work forever to make my marriage work. I love my husband, we have been together 9 years and some have been better than others, but I know we will always be together.
• ™ I want to make people happy with my Photography and I hope that I will make money too. I want to capture people’s happiest days and the emotions that fill them.
• ™ I want to love everyday that I go to work. I love my current job and I want to pursue this line of work.
• ™ I want to travel more; I want to take both of my boys back to India to see how amazing it is. I would like to witness a religious holiday there and document it. I want to go to America and drive route 66, make it a proper project in a lovely comfortable car. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just comfortable.
• ™ I want to visit Japan, China, Vietnam, Australia (again), Thailand, Russia, and take photos of my family and the sights and atmospheres we see.
• ™ I would love to take a sabbatical from work before Charlie is at school and travel the world. If I can’t do that I have to make the most of my time in the summer and my husband’s generous holiday allowance.
• ™ I would like us to be unsecured debt free and then start to pay off our mortgage so that we can have a nice life.
• ™ I want to write more fiction, I will resurrect my book blog.
• ™ I would like a home with a kitchen diner, a utility room, a garden, and a separate shower and bath. 3 beds wouldn’t go amiss either.
• ™ I want to continue to be linked to Education in some way in my career.
• ™ I want to be the best I can be in work. Not necessarily through promotion but in my role whatever that may be.
• ™ I would like to learn to speak French or Spanish well.
• ™ I want to live in Cornwall
• ™ Loose my excess weight and be a healthy size with a healthy attitude to food.
• ™ I want Charlie to have outside space and outside toys, where he can play safely and enjoy the world
• ™ I want to exercise more as a family
• ™ I want to renew my vows with my husband, I want us to write our own from the heart, I want them to be honest and meaningful and about us. I want to do it in Vegas, with Elvis, and I want him to organise it. I want to stay in a hotel on the strip and I want our son with us.
• ™ I want to photograph more people
• ™ I want to be totally happy with my decision not to have another baby
• ™ I want to do a CSI tour of the US in one holiday. Vegas, Miami, New York.
• ™ I want to stand on Ground Zero in New York

hello, it’s been a long time…

Hello Bloggers, it seems you haven’t all abandoned me I am still getting hits!

I am back on the wagon, have been since Sunday really, I didn’t want to make a massive deal of it and set myself up for failure. I have been eating well and my dh has been keeping me on the strait and narrow.  I am focussing on my main meals, making sure they are good and then if I treat myself I am not stressing over it.

I got through the post, after chasing it with my doctor, a letter from the bariatric consultant who will be seeing me in little over a month. It’s quite shameful that in the time I have been trying to lose the 1.9 stone which constitutes my 10% weight loss needed to get on the list for Gastric Bypass. I currently stand at 263 lbs, that’s around 18st 7 which is unacceptable but not the worst it’s ever been. It’s just over a month until my appointment. I want to say that I will be totally committed and good until then but I can barely find the motivation to get up in the morning let alone anything else.

Hopefully I can improve things. Standing on the scales today and realising I was around 6lbs lighter than when we got back from Paris was great though. It made me feel great. I want that to continue.

I will pledge the following:

• I will try and write down a nice thing about me every day (hopefully in here).
• I will ensure (with the help of dh) that my main meal (dinner) is a good healthy one.
• I will try not to snack but won’t hurt myself over it if I do.
• I will start to excercise again after the weekend.

Romeo Out.

Rubbish

Well I’ve been rubbish this week. I imagine I have put on but I refuse to weigh myself. Am off to Paris on Thursday so the diet is off the rails really. Have said to hubby when we get back that I am on like donkey kong. No playing around.

For now I will be busy this week planning for paris.

There has been an interesting row on TV this week. A Conservative MEP has said he “wouldn’t wish the NHS on anyone”. I find this astonding and really sad. Barak Obama is trying to ensure that everyone in the USA has acess to healthcare, I really fail to see why this is a bad thing! OK I get that the Americans are concerned that they will pay more tax and have less service and I can understand their fears but I guess this is where the liberal in me comes in. It’s money vs peoples health. How can we as a “civilised society” put money over health? I love the NHS, they kept me and my baby alive during his birth. They are helping me loose weight. I don’t have to worry about the cost of my insurance in the middle of the night when my Son is ill and I am terrified.

Ah well, it will be interesting to see how that one plays out but it’s a fairly typical thing for a Tory to say. I don’t believe for one minute that he’s a rebel.

For me, in regards to the bypass, the insurance system would be easier, I would go on a supervised diet for 6 months (whether it’s effective or not it’s the trying that counts) and fill in some forms and it’s likely they would approve me based on the ongoing positive effect loosing weight would have on my life. However here I have to jump through hoops, loose 10% of my body weight, sign my life away, and travel nearly 3 hours to get the actual surgery.

I still think it’s wrong to allow healthcare to those who can afford it and not to the rest. A considerable amount of the people of the USA have insufficient or non exsistant health care and I find that incredibly shocking. We live in a modern era people not the 15th century. What happened to caring about people?

*jumps down off of soap box*

Weigh In

Well it’s a weigh in day. A bad one. This week I have suffered with the worse PMT I have ever had, it was awful, I was angry, frustrated, tearful and irritated and not entirely rational!

I have put on 2lbs this week. My current weight is 264lbs. So today to destruct myself further I went out, had a pub lunch, bread, burger, chips. Just to help. Am having a bowl of fruit for dinner and Muller Light over the top of it. In my quest to slim I am going to get cancer with the amount of Aspartame I am taking in!

I am feeling pretty down about it, like I failed at the first hurdle but I can’t give up already. I haven’t heard anything from my doctor about the referral back to the weight clinic or consultant about my surgery. I can’t wait to get it done; it feels like my life is on hold until then.

Also a new friend but one that I care about a great deal admitted she has an eating disorder. She is bright and beautiful; she is thin but clearly not by healthy means. I envied her body and now I feel guilty like I spurred her on. More than anything I want to get control of my eating and now I want to help her control hers. I don’t know what to do, I care for her so much and despite all my training I just want to cuddle her until she’s better.

I have to be better this week. Much better.

Am feeling good…

Am actually feeling really pleased with myself!? I haven’t had chocolate for nearly 2 weeks now, and have had the odd Twix craving but I haven’t done it and have been really pleased with that.

Have been relaxing at the weekend, not worrying about what I am eating but not going bonkers either. I had a nice meal out last weekend, with dessert but I didn’t kill myself over it either.

I am hungry now so going to get a bowl of cereal. The only think I am annoyed about is that I haven’t started my exercise plan, I was planning to today but woke with the worst headache which lead to me vomiting and not being able to focus enough to drive the boys around this morning.

Am feeling ok about this week’s efforts so far but it’s only Tuesday lol.